Some of my life and testimony is shared in the book ‘DEAD or ALIVE! The inescapable decision’. I have been saved by the grace of God and my life belongs to him. I owe him everything. Jesus has saved my life in more ways than one and continues healing things that were broken so long ago. He has called me to fight the good fight, to never give up, to press on. Through his power and his love it is possible. I have experienced so many wonderful things with God, much of it is filtered into my writing.
I wasn’t always a believer in Jesus Christ. I thought I was a christian whenever I had to write it on a document, but I wasn’t aware of Jesus. To me churches were dark tourist dotted buildings with strange statues. I only ever went inside for funerals and weddings. A very limited resource on which to build my idea of Christianity. It didn’t take much for me to think it was weird, a word here, someone hurt by ‘judgmental Christians’ there and I was under the impression that it was best to stay well clear of it.
I didn’t connect Christianity to God either. I knew God was real. I saw that in films where people would get on their knees and pray. That was it. I didn’t think or know anything else about it. Until I watched planes fly into the world trade centre in 2001. It made me wonder how God, who was supposedly good, could possibly want someone to cause so much pain and devastation to others. To me there was only God. I didn’t know about all the differences in religion and such things.
At the time I wasn’t working and spent most days sitting on a sofa smoking weed until my boyfriend came home.
So I wondered about God but had no one to talk to. I figured since he is God, I could surely speak to him directly. I got a pack of cards (Jass Karten) and decided that the acorn King was a “yes” from God. Shuffling, I asked questions and when that card fell out, it meant “yes”. I can’t remember what I asked and know that it was ‘incorrect’ to go about it in that way, but I didn’t know anything about theological correctness. I just figured I could ask God myself and thought of a way for him the tell me what I wanted to know.
I had gotten to the point (smoking weed) where paranoia and weird thoughts started to kick in. One night I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t wake up again. I was fully convinced that I would die in my sleep and it petrified me. So I pleaded with God that he let me live. Around that time a golden glow appeared all around me, it filled me completely and it was an overwhelming goodness. It was so holy that I couldn’t bare it. It was too much. I knew I couldn’t survive if it stayed, it was too intense. So I told it to stop. I told it to go away! God appears and you tell him to go away…. I didn’t know what, rather who it was, just that it was too good for me and if it stayed I would not survive.
Unsure what to think, I put it on a shelf somewhere in the back of my mind and continued doing life. Parties, Alcohol, weed. The odd thing was, that I wasn’t able to smoke a joint without being tied up in dread and fear. I started thinking about the world, the solar system, how things worked. Suddenly I understood some things with a clarity I hadn’t known before. Smoking weed emphasized this and it scared me.
Soon I couldn’t bare it anymore and had to stop smoking cannabis.
I got married and moved to a larger flat. We had a dog, friends and many house parties. My hair was still blonde and in dreads. I still drank a lot of alcohol.
A friend told me her brother was a musician who sang about God, she gave me his CD and a bible. I even started reading it but soon stopped finding it odd that it would just go on and on about some man, I didn’t like men much anyway, so I wasn’t interested in reading about how wonderful this one was.
It didn’t help that the girl who gave me the bible had a pill and alcohol addiction and wasn’t really someone I could take seriously. Another friend told me about how much fun her church was. As much as I tried, I could not imagine a dark, statue haunted place being any fun. God’s efforts to reach me went largely unnoticed, but they were there, he never gave up.
I saw more films that instilled in me a knowledge of the goodness of God and in the first book I wrote ‘Heavy reign, part one of the Layan Prophecy’ (still unpublished) I thought a bit more about what I wanted to believe. I still ridiculed Christians, although I didn’t know what they were about, or rather because I didn’t know.
Another friend I worked with who was from Ghana, invited my husband and I to her church. We went and thought it was great. It was amazing. People were joyful, dancing, sharing their food and love with us. I told my husband to put the last 20.- we had in the basket (it wasn’t what God wanted from us and more in case someone was watching than for any other reason).
On the way home we got caught without a bus ticket and fined 120.- Swiss Francs. It was the first time I was angry at God. We gave him all we had and this was the thanks we got. I wasn’t going to give him another chance so soon.
I know now that the enemy was trying to keep us away from God. There was ample opportunity for him to do that. This time he fed our anger at God and each other. We, well I, argued all the time.
It wasn’t until after I left and lived in my own place, that I started to think about Christianity again. It wasn’t in a good way either. I read the book by Dan Brown ‘The Da’Vinci Code’ and laughed at Christianity. At the same time though, I had donkey eared many pages of the book, because I wanted to check if what he said was in alignment with the bible. I never doubted that the bible was the truth!
I met the father of my children and we moved to the town where I worked in a bar. He wanted me to place a bible in our baby’s cot. I thought that was weird and refused. I continued to try to persuade him that Christianity wasn’t right. To me it seemed he just wanted to use it to control me, so I was having none of it.
He had been to a gathering one day and driven home by a family who lived in our town. They invited us for a meal. They spoke about God, the bible and Jesus in a way I had never heard before. They were understanding, so full of love that I could’t deny that there was something different about them.
I knew that I had to continue going and learn more. Through them, Jesus warmed up my cold, deprived heart so much that I knew it was good to keep going. They spent a lot of time and energy, lots of prayers, fasting and love on me and my children. So that I could give Jesus a chance in my life and get to know him for myself.
It took a long time. Distrust had to be built down, a lot of pain healed, sin conquered and trust needed to be built up again. Jesus did it, he kept on providing, kept on showing me that he is real, that he is alive and that I can trust him.
In all that has happened since, in everything I needed to trust him for, his protection, for his provision, for his guidance, he has never failed us. My life has been turned around for good in so many ways, he has given me purpose and value. He has given me and my children a new perspective. We have received healing beyond anything I was aware of needing. He has given us friendships, faith, hope, love. He has given us new life! He is awesome!